North
by YesNoMaebySo
Summary: One-shot based on the Kill Shot promo, so obviously some spoilers!


She couldn't breathe. She knew this to be true, but as panic closed its icy fingers around her throat, squeezing her chest, Katherine Beckett also knew that this time no amount of therapy or training was going to save her.

The hall was empty and she was glad for it. She should have waited for her team but on some level she was grateful that the people she cared about couldn't see her like this. Echoes from the gunshot continued to fill her ears and she wondered where all the noise was coming from; she was alone and if she was honest with herself, she couldn't say for sure if the sound she'd heard was merely a memory.

Breathe. She tried and could feel dry, sharp air enter her constricted lungs. Pain coursed through her chest, tugged on her scar, doubled her over as she exhaled in a helpless sob.

She needed to sit before she blacked out. Using the wall for support she slid down, allowing her legs to fold under her like an unused marionette, a hand to her side as she hit the floor, begging her lungs to cooperate. One hand to hold her brokenness together.

This was it. Would she come to if no one found her in time? Her team was on their way but time didn't exist in this horrific place and if she didn't wake up then what if he found her, cyanotic and frozen in a state of unrest forever?

She sobbed again loudly, but it didn't matter, no one could hear.

_I don't want to be alone._

_It's okay to want someone here. To need someone. Partners. Is that what we are? I don't know what we are. Don't give up on me. Are you afraid I'll wait? No. I'm afraid of...me._

Another sob.

"Beckett?"

_Castle?_

"Kate!"

Rumbles of thunder.

_Please don't take me from him. He doesn't know._

* * *

><p>Even to his own ears his footsteps sounded loudly in the stairwell. Didn't anyone live here? Why didn't she wait? She should have waited. He would have been there.<p>

Third floor. He threw his body against the panic handle and stumbled into the vacant hallway. Well, not quite vacant. The sound of her sobs, her brokenness, pulled his heart to her like an electromagnetic field pointing a compass needle north.

She was his north.

And his north was crumpled on the floor.

He ran to her, paying no mind to the possibility of any surrounding danger. Espo would get him for that later. Not important.

"Kate?"

His voice was soft, almost weak for her. His hands ghosted across her cheeks, down her arms. Was she hurt? Her eyes were shut tight against her surroundings. He needed a response and right now all he could hear were the forced sounds of her quick and shallow breaths.

He gathered both her tense hands in one of his large ones and with the other he swept a sweat soaked strand of hair from her forehead.

He cupped her jaw lightly. "Kate, I need you to talk to me."

Nothing. But he imagined he could feel her breathing ease just a bit.

"Kate. Look at me. I'm here. There's no one else. You're safe..." he hesitated but continued even as his voice cracked with overflowing emotion, "You're _always_ safe with me."

He watched her face, not daring to drop her hands, like they were his tether to her, and she opened her eyes. Dark, frightened, almost unrecognizable to him. Almost.

"Hey." He didn't break contact with her pools of black that obscured the green tinged browns he loved so much.

"Castle?" She choked it out as though his name was spoken around something thick and heavy.

"Yeah, it's me." He knew concern was tight across his face, and on any other day she might verbally kick his ass for it, but this was not the Katherine Beckett of the 12th. This was Kate. And even she could be lost to fear sometimes.

She was searching his face but he couldn't tell what she was look for. Suddenly, her hands that had been tense like coiled springs went limp and he lowered them a bit, cradling them gently in his palm. His other hand had fallen to her shoulder and his fingers curled around her arm as an anchor.

And she was crying. Awful, heartbreaking sobs he hadn't heard since Alexis had been small. And before he knew it, he was pulling her to his chest, hugging her to him and enveloping her in his arms and bulk.

She turned her face into his chest as her tears made little wet spots next to the places where she fisted her hands in his shirt.

He held her. They didn't speak as she cried out what she needed to, like an overfilled water glass that finally brimmed over.

When she completely relaxed against him, her long legs cast aside perpendicular to his as she sat uncharacteristically in his lap, he decided it was time to move. Esposito and Ryan would be worried and he'd begged them to wait outside. He'd been afraid of this.

"Kate? I've gotta get you outta here, okay? Do you think you can stand?"

Aside from speaking his name when he'd knelt in front of her, she hadn't said anything, and she said nothing now. She just stayed there, head tucked beneath his shoulder, eyes closed, and the backs of her hands resting against his chest, fingers curling in just slightly, brow knitted as she concentrated on the ins and outs of her breath.

He sighed and he could feel her weight against him every time he took a breath. He tilted his head up in a vain attempt to keep the moisture from falling out of his eyes. He hurt for her but was so incredibly grateful for this moment even still, and the conundrum of emotions was starting to overwhelm him.

Time to move.

He rose slowly grasping her around the waist as they stood. Though she mimicked his standing motion she still seemed absent to him, like she'd left part of herself on the floor. She gripped his forearms for balance as she attempted to stand on her own.

He waited patiently, "Can you walk to the elevator?"

She nodded mutely. Well, that was something. "Okay, come on." She took a step with him but he instinctively kept an arm securely around her waist to steady her as they made slow progress to the elevator.

Once inside, he pressed the button for the lobby, loosening his hold a bit on her to give her the opportunity for space if she needed it. She swayed slightly on her wobbly feet as they descended and leaned up against the elevator wall for support. He glanced to her sideways. He wanted to hover but he knew sometimes she needed to take a breath on her own. She was pale, a sheen of sweat still glistening on her forehead, and his fingers burned with the memory of touching her there to sweep her hair aside. She was scaring him a little in the way her eyes stared blankly ahead, not really seeing.

The elevator dinged. "You ready?"

She nodded again. He moved to be her support structure again but as she pushed off the wall to walk forward her knees buckled and he had to spring forward to catch her round her waist before she fell. "Okay." The rational part of his brain understood that this decision would normally make her angry rather than grateful, but he'd played it safe long enough.

In a quick motion he hooked his free arm under her knees and lifted her to him. He expected resistance but it never happened. Her long frame almost folded in half to allow her to curl into him and for the second time in the last ten minutes she gripped the front of his shirt between her fingers and leaned the side of her head against his shoulder, shutting her eyes against the world.

As he crossed the sidewalk to the waiting cars he didn't miss the widened eyes as Ryan and Esposito hurried to them.

"What happened?" Ryan.

"Is she okay?" Esposito.

He didn't stop, just kept heading to her waiting vehicle. "She's okay, just got a little spooked I think." He didn't mean to underplay it in front of the boys but he knew she'd be mortified enough as it was without having them fuss over her. His priority was to get her home.

"Hey, Ryan? Can you use your spares to open her door?"

Ryan complied quickly and held the passenger door open as Castle settled Kate into the front seat, strapped her in securely, and shut the door.

Castle turned to Ryan and Esposito, "Look, guys, I know Gates will probably ask when you guys get back, and I'm not asking you to lie for her, but maybe just don't give her any details."

Ryan scrunched his nose, "We don't know any details."

Castle paused, "Yeah, that might be better..." he couldn't leave them with nothing, "I found her on the hallway floor upstairs, looked like she'd had a panic attack or something." He looked at them for hints of understanding. They had all noticed the strain this sniper case had been on her, and he was going to make her take a step back now, whether she liked it or not.

Esposito clapped him on the shoulder, "Don't worry, Bro, we got it covered. Go take care of our girl."

Castle gave a tight lipped smile and took the key to Beckett's car that Ryan offered him, "Thanks."

* * *

><p>They drove in silence. At first she hadn't cared, but as her mind slowly cleared she felt like she needed to say something, anything.<p>

"Castle?" Her voice sounded odd, broken.

He turned his head to look at her, "Hey, how're you doing?" He turned back to the road.

She nodded, "Better, I think."

"Good...why didn't you wait for me, Kate?"

His voice was so gentle even though she'd been so stupid. "I don't know. It was just a suspect questioning and I thought I could handle it alone." She could feel her eyes tearing up, "Maybe I felt like I had something to prove." She dropped her head in her hands, she didn't want to look at him.

"Hey." Again, so gentle, as he took one of her hands in his to pull it away from her face. "You don't have to prove anything to _me_. Got that?"

She peeked out at him from beneath her other hand, but he'd undone her like he always did, and all she could do was nod.

She found her voice again but was irritated when it was watery with emotion, "It's just- how am I ever supposed to find my mom's killer if I can't go after a suspect on my own? If I freak out at a car backfiring? This isn't who I am, Castle." She cursed the tear that slid rebelliously down her cheek.

Castle tightened his grip on the hand he'd stolen but she didn't have the strength to fight him. Not now. Maybe not ever again.

"Kate. We are not made to be one way. We all have facets to ourselves we wish we could ignore or deny, but the fact is, they're part of us. The sooner you accept the parts of yourself you don't like, the sooner you can learn to cope with them."

She hated it when he out-talked her. Hated him because how dare he think he knew her so well...and loving him because he did.

It was like he could see the gears grinding in her head. He bumped her shoulder with his elbow, still keeping a tight hold on her hand, "You're still the BAMFest girl I know."

She couldn't help it as her lips turned up in a small smile and she raised her eyebrows.

He flashed a return grin at her and her heart melted a little, "You know, BAMFest? Bad-ass-mother-"

"I know what it means, Castle."

He smiled at her again, "Okay, okay, just checkin'"

He pulled into the parking garage at her apartment building. He'd taken her home. She should argue with him. She should be back at the station. She didn't care, and she didn't feel like arguing, so she allowed him to help her out of the car and up to her apartment.

She unlocked the door and he followed her inside. Shuffled to the bowl beside the door and dropped her keys in. She felt worn out, weak from the ordeal, and walking had never been such a chore.

Castle must have been able to tell because he put a palm to the small of her back and led her to the living room couch, making sure she was settled before scurrying off to get her a glass of water.

Tears pricked at her eyes again. Why was she so emotional today? He was so good to her, and she didn't know if she had the reserves to resist cuddling up with him on the couch and sleeping away this horrible afternoon.

"Here." She took the proffered glass and sipped from it gratefully.

He plopped down next to her, regarding her for a moment, "You wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head, no definitely not.

He sighed, "Kate, I just think-"

"Don't worry, Castle, I know I've got a problem." So, apparently they _were_ going to talk about it.

"I just want to help..." She wanted him to hold her.

She set her glass down instead, "I know. But I've been, um, seeing someone about it...I'll get better, don't worry."

"Seeing someone? Like...?"

"Like a therapist." Welp, not many more secrets now.

"Really?" Well, he didn't have to sound so incredulous.

"Yes, really. I started going back after I froze in front of that gun on our first case back after the shooting."

"Oh. I didn't know..." He sounded a bit...sad.

"I know. I didn't tell anyone."

"No, I get it. I guess I just thought..." he trailed off but she understood. He wanted to help her, to be there for her...to love her. It's okay. She could fix this.

"Castle." She tucked a leg underneath her and faced him on the couch. "My therapist didn't pull me out today. You did. You always do."

He'd found her hand again as it rested on her thigh and he stole it for his own again, absently caressing her fingers. It made her smile as she tried to meet his eyes.

When they did meet, the sudden connection tugged at her heart.

"You know, don't you." He said it so quietly.

Wait. He wasn't talking about _that_, was he? Then again, he'd asked if she remembered more than once before. Maybe he'd always suspected as much. In any case she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear it again now.

She let her lips curve up so slightly and prayed that her eyes were telling him that which she wanted to, but couldn't.

_I know._

They must have because he was suddenly very close to her, mere inches from her face. She held her breath, waiting for his next move. He didn't seem angry with her, and she kept her eyes on his.

His fingers skimmed her arms as they came up slowly and held her face in his hands. Still, she didn't breathe. And she knew she couldn't- wouldn't stop him. Her eyes slipped closed as his lips gently touched to hers and the breath she'd been holding rushed out to meet him. She sighed into him, pressed herself to him, pulled him to her, and he acquiesced, molding her to him gently, lovingly. She kissed him back with equal tenderness, smoothed the tips of her long fingers down his jaw, his shoulder.

She'd always imagined their first real kiss to be fiery, passionate, laced with years of longing, maybe some insecurity, but this? This was so much better. It was a slow burn that had stores of heat to keep it glowing long after the flames had subsided, and it was gentle, tentative, neither one wanting to take the other for granted.

Their lips parted simultaneously but they remained close, hands still touching each other for fear that it might not be real.

Castle broke the silence, "You are gonna have to let me do that again some time."

She smiled, that full on smile that she kept only for him, and she felt his thumb slide over her cheek bone in response.

"Thank you," she said, "For today. For everyday."

"No need," he replied.

He studied her face for a moment and she was nearly tempted to pull away self consciously.

"You're tired." Not a question, he just knew. "Do you want me to go?"

She was weak, didn't want him to leave, and she didn't care anymore so shook her head.

He smiled, "Okay," and maneuvered them lengthwise along her couch. She fit easily into him and pillowed her head just under his shoulder, slipping to his side against the back of the couch and tangling her legs with his.

She knew this should be uncomfortable, but it wasn't. She wasn't. And she let the rise and fall of his chest, and the way his arms warmed her, and how his hand massaged small circles into her shoulder, lull her to sleep.

* * *

><p>When Castle felt her breaths even out and deepen he knew she was sleeping. He placed a soft kiss into her hair and carefully, so as not to disturb her, he dug his cell phone out of his pocket and sent a quick text to Ryan and Esposito.<p>

_She's okay._

And she was, for now. And so were they.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you for reading! Just a little something to help with this awful two week hiatus! Please review if you have time!


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